This weeks post is going to be short and sweet. My little girl picked up a terrible cold virus. It comes with a wicked cough and major sinus congestion. She woke me up at 3:00 a.m. standing by my bed shouting, “mom!! I can’t smell!!” Poor kid.
Unfortunately, there aren’t many medicines a 4 year old can take for a cold. So, I have to find ways to help ease her symptoms without giving her a ton of medicine.
Years ago my sister in law gave me these really wonderful shower soothers scented with lavender. The running water in the shower melts the disc and releases the scent. I wonder if I can make some with the soothing vapors of vapor rub? Turns out, I can!
After some Googling and searching the Intereweb I find a recipe for DIY vapor shower discs using only 3 ingredients- water, baking soda and vapor rub (any brand). Luckily, I already have all of these things on hand! No need to drag a sick kid through the store! Awesome!
Here are the Ingredients:
All the items you need for this project.
Here’s the DIY:
Add 1 cup of boiling water to glass mixing bowl, or measuring cup.
Begin by boiling 1 cup of water.
Add a generous scoop of vapor rub to boiling water and mix until melted. (I used 2 Tablespoons).
For stronger vapor release simply add more vapor rub to boiling water.
Add water 1 Tablespoon at a time to 1 cup of baking soda and blend until consistency reaches a smooth paste. (Should not be watery).
Consistency should be pasty, but not watery.
Pour mixture into lined muffin tin. *Liners keep the strong odor of the eucalyptus from “sticking” to your pan.*
Pour into muffin liners 3/4 to the top.
Allow to sit over night at room temperature to dry out and harden.
Use muffin liners when using petroleum based vapor rub.
Gently remove each disc from pan and remove liner. Store in an air tight container (mason jars work great). Keep in the bathroom on a shelf and toss into shower when ready.
Store discs in air tight container. Any glass, or plastic jar will do.
These work beautifully and double as a shower timer! As soon as it melts it is time for sissy to take her shower.
I wish I could stick around to share more. But, my mommy senses are tingling… they’re telling me there is a nose that needs to be wiped and juice to be fetched.
My computer is FINALLY virus free and back home on top of my desk!! I’m so excited I feel like giving something away! But what? Hmmm… my stapler is pretty cool and useful. Nah. It is Christmas so I’ve got to be a little generous. How about a $25.00 gift certificate to Toys R Us? YES!!!
So, I am going to need you to share my blog with your friends! Not my Facebook page (although that is pretty fabby too) my actual blog! Once I reach 500 blog followers I will pick a winner!! To enter you HAVEto comment below THIS postwith the number of friends you’ve shared my blog with.
Let the sharing begin! I’m sure you have some Christmas shopping to finish up and wouldn’t a gift card to TRU help with that? The sooner we get to 500 followers the sooner you can win that card!
Speaking of gifts, here are 4 of our favorite gift giving traditions:
Book-A-Night Advent Count Down
Book a night Advent count down.
My kids really love this one! It’s basically a whole month of presents before the actual presents arrive. Each night before bed they get to open one book. We read the stories while eating Christmas cookies and sipping milk. Some nights they can’t wait to take their book to their room to look it over alone. In their rooms. In silence. I think I love this gifting tradition a little more than they do. I pick up gently used books all year from garage sales and the local libraries for a total of 46 books. The girls get a book a night from Dec. 1st-23rd. On Christmas Eve. they get to open a bigger gift of pajamas.
A Cookie for Me, A Cookie for You!
Cookies are great for Firefighters, Police Officers, Mail carriers and anyone who likes cookies.
We make and frost (poorly as pictured above) several dozen cookies to deliver to our local Fire Fighters and Police Officers. Not only is it a great way to show our gratitude, but this tradition also introduces our kids to important community members. They begin to understand who the helpers are and to not be afraid of the men and women in these uniforms.
Share the Craft Love with Friends
Fun little crafty cards for neighborhood friends.
My little family is really fortunate to live next door to some of the most wonderful people on earth! We like to share some fun homemade crafts with them. I traced each kids foot to make penguins and added colored paper for the belly, the beak and some googly eyes. We made them into cards and delivered personally. We made the trees by gluing Popsicle sticks, fruit loops cereal and a pretzel to green paper. These are really easy crafts for the age 2-3 crowd.
Making Ornaments
Hand print snow man ornaments are great for the grand parents!
This is one of my favorite ornament gifts. Here is a quick tutorial from Youtube:
If you are giving these away to the grandparents or family you can even attach this little poem:
These aren’t just five snowmen
As anyone can see.
I made them with my hand
Which is a part of me.
Now each year when you trim the tree
You’ll look back and recall
Christmas of 2014
When my hand was just this small!
Each year we buy a new ornament for our kids to put on the tree. The point is to one day hand them a set of ornaments for their own tree in their home. We also make one hand print keepsake ornament. This way we’ll have a set of ornaments ornaments for our own tree when the kids take theirs.
Don’t forget to share my blog with friends and comment below how many friends you shared with! Once I reach 500 followers I’ll pick a winner for a $25.00 Toys R Us gift card!
Wishing all my readers a very healthy and happy Thanksgiving! Safe travels and may your stuffing be perfect!
The girls have the entire Thanksgiving week off from school. We have been busy decorating, baking and making the house a giant mess. I am actually thankful for the toys scattered about the house. It means I have two amazingly creative kids who get lost in their imaginations. It’s not fun cleaning it all up again, but one day those little messes won’t be there to organize. Before I know it both my kids will be off to college and ready to start life on their own. Every now and then it hits me that having twins means they both leave at the same time. Such a scary thought. Until then I’ll try to remain thankful for the messes, the chaos and the perfectly imperfect days we share.
Here’s a round up of our week:
We started off by making a Thankful Tree. I used brown craft paper for our tree, but you can easily use a brown paper grocery bag. I traced and cut out leaves to write our thankful things on. Then we it all taped to the wall. The girls decided to pick out pictures of things they are thankful for. We pulled out some family pics I had taken through out the year, but you can easily use pictures cut from a magazine. Both of the girls kept calling it the Giving Tree. That would be a great story to read along with this project if you have it! If not you can get animated versions on Youtube. I found a copy of the original 1973 movie version narrated by Shell Silverstein!
Our thankful tree!
I rolled out brown craft paper the entire length of the table so the girls could create their own pictures. We traced our hands to look like turkeys. The girls enjoyed making mama turkeys and baby turkeys. Again, you can easily recycle brown grocery bags for this project. Let the kids get creative!
DIY turkey table runner
I made these counting turkeys a few weeks ago which the girls really enjoy using. I just used materials we have on hand. Yes, I always have clothes pins and googly eyes on hand! Find instructions HERE.
Clothespins are great for working developing fine motor skills.
Thanksgiving Eve packets!! I set these activities out the night before to surprise the girls with in the morning. This will keep us busy for a while! If you are following The Whatever Mom on Facebook you already know where to find these turkey printables!
Our turkey table
We had our first winter storm yesterday. The snowy morning really put me in the mood for some good, warm comfort food. I made us some coconut, carrot french toast. It is inspired by the french toast I am in love with at one of my favorite restaurants (Love Bites). Not as good as theirs, but still a good way for me to sneak in some veggies and protein!
Coconut, carrot french toast.
4 slices of favorite bread
2 eggs
1 small carrot (finely grated)
3 Tablespoons coconut flakes
1/3 cup milk (any kind)
1/4 teaspoon of vanilla
1/8 teaspoon of cinnamon
2 Tablespoons butter
Melt butter in skillet on medium heat. Whisk the eggs and milk together. Then add in rest of ingredients and whisk until combined. Dip bread into mixture and be sure to cover both sides. Place in heated pan. Cook both sides until golden brown.
We didn’t have maple syrup so I sprinkled with powdered sugar. A snow breakfast for a snowy day!
Whatever you do today enjoy your time with family and friends. If you plan to celebrate the day alone, I hope you still have plenty to be thankful for!
So… after a rough week with the kiddos I took my Whatever philosophy to heart and gave myself the night off. Which meant I didn’t get my Friday Facebook Roundup to you. At least you’ll have fun reading this morning!
Put the kids in front of the cartoons and check out these links!
You can never have too much glitter with this Gobble Globe!
Ok, I’m not a horrible friend. But, I am definitely not as good a friend as I used to be. Before motherhood I was the girl you’d call at 2 a.m. and sob about your broken heart. I was the first to remember your birthday and get everyone together for cake. I’d join you at the gym any night of the week; and if your car broke down in the ghetto I’d leave work early to come get you. Now, that I have kids I am completely unreliable to be there in a crisis and my friends may get a birthday card a month later. I know people are disappointed by this. What they don’t realize is that it is just as painful to me to not be available.
When my kids were just about 2 years old a friend’s apartment was hit by the flood waters of a hurricane. It pained me to see pictures and status updates on Facebook showing the ruins of her home. I wanted to be able to rush to help and sift through the remains with her. At the time I had two babies in tow and had to put their safety first (as well as their nap time and feeding schedule). I couldn’t afford to pay someone to sit with my kids to drive 3 hours one way to help and then return home. I didn’t have family that could just stay at my house until I could return. Recognizing my limitations, I did my best to send emotional support from where I was in life. But, it wasn’t enough. She stopped returning my phone calls, emails, private messages, etc. I could tell there was a shift and when I called her out and asked what’s up? I got the cold shoulder. A “nothing” response. Eventually, it came out a year later she was angry that my husband and I did nothing to help her. At the time my husband was working two jobs seven days a week. If we were lucky we saw him for 1 hour a day.
So, what happens when we become parents? Why such a change in our friendships? Here are my thoughts:
1. Everyone has different expectations. It took a really long time for me to adjust to the new normal of parenting. The demands of being the sole caretaker to twins commanded my attention first. I had my own expectations of life as a parent and had to learn to change them all in a second while everyone else continued living at the same pace. My friend’s expectations were I’d still be the same and be able to give as much as I had before. Impossible when you become a mom.
2. Mommy Brain. There is scientific evidence this condition exists! How it works is I walk to the fridge completely set on getting a glass of milk and what I walk away with is the empty coffee pot from the counter. I have zero recollection of how I got to the living room with an empty coffee pot or why I was even in the kitchen in the first place. I wake up Monday morning and I think, “So-and-so’s birthday is next week I should send a card.” Then I wake up in October and think, “I did send her a card right?”
3. Routines and Schedules change. Once you are a parent you live and die by the almighty schedule. There is a schedule for diaper changing, for feeding, for naps and for all the activities you would like to accomplish while nap time takes place. You remember to call your friend to congratulate her on her engagement, or new job just as your head hits the pillow at night. You think, I’ll definitely remember to call tomorrow!
4. Limited Funds. This one doesn’t require much explanation. Once you are paying a mortgage payment for diapers, wipes and formula you get it. Some of us have to live and die by the almighty budget.
5. I used to have conversation skills. I didn’t always talk about the different sizes of bottle nipples and the controversy over vaccines (what childless person even cares?). I also could finish a sentence without stopping abruptly to shout over the chaos you hear happening in the background of our phone conversation. I also miss eye contact while talking to people. Having two kids means I need both eyes on them- one for each kid.
6. Leaving the house has never been such a chore. Before having kids I could get a call and be out the door in 30 seconds or less. Now, I have to analyse if it is worth the risk of a 30 minute screaming meltdown over socks to meet you there. See you there in, oh… 6 hours when my husband gets home.
7. My needs have changed. I have never been a needy person until I became a mom. Now I am so tired and exhausted, frustrated and emotional. If you ask me how is everything I’ll either just fake a smile and say good, or completely crumble and unload. Depends on the day. It isn’t fun riding this roller coaster and asking my friends to take care of me. I’ve always been the strong one taking care of them.
I’m sure there are a few more offenses to add to the list. But, this covers the big ones. Oh and by the way potential new friend, if I seem like I’m just not that into you please don’t take offense. I only appear socially awkward the first time we meet (maybe second). I’m trying hard to look like a put together human who can form sentences and keep my kids from melting down in front of you. But, if you can look past all that and keep your expectations of our relationship low (really low) I’m happy to get to know you!
Being an aunt is so awesome. I never feel pressure to dress my nieces and nephews perfectly, or feed them organic stuff. Everything I say seems so wise. I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve gotten angry or impatient. When they were little it was so easy picking up my little cherubs to play pretend parent for an afternoon. Then, I’d hand them back and go home to sleep for the next 20 hours brainwashed into thinking THIS is why I should have kids!
Some days I feel my upgrade to Mom is a scam. Sleep deprivation. Bodily functions gone awry. The yelling. The screaming. None of it could be real. Could it? What happened to all the cute baby coos and the fun toddler trips to the pumpkin farm? What happened to those doe eyed little pudgy faced kids following me around telling me they want to be my best friend forever?
Ohhhhhh. Those moments only happen in between the butt wiping, disciplining, no sleeping roller coaster ride called parenting. Can you tell this was a rough week at the casa de Whatever Mom? After doling out my millionth time out and reminding my child for the one hundredth time why we DO NOT open the toilet seat with our mouth, I wondered where did this all go wrong? I miss the days I can just hang with a kid and listen to their laugh vs. breaking up their sibling discord. I miss just getting into the car without a one hour go-round about socks. I miss how easy it is being the aunt. The fun one.
So here are my top 10 reasons why being an aunt is easier than being a mom:
Dear Ryan, Jeremy, Ashley, Lillian and Nathan,
Almost the whole gang out for a hike in 2005
10. I was always happy to change the one wet diaper you made in our four hours together, because I didn’t just change the last 3,654 wet diapers you made. I’d even squish your cute little tush and giggle over the “toot” you just made.
9. I don’t have to keep track of what foods you eat. You want 10 cheese sticks, 4 donuts and a gallon of blue juice. Sure! I won’t be there to watch your mom huddled in the fetal position pulling her hair out and cursing my name while you ride the “blue demon” back to being her precious little baby.
8. You never ruined any of my stuff with markers or crayons. Ever. Thank you!
My niece Ashley today. We’ve had some good times being crafty!
7. I never had to wash any of your poop off my hands. Again, thank you!
6. It was the 90’s. Organic wasn’t even a thing yet.
5. Yes was our favorite word! “Can I have a balloon?” YES! “Can I have two chocolate bars?” YES! “Can you buy me that toy with really loud bells and whistles?” YES!
4. You made me look like mom of the year! People used to think you were my kid since we look so much alike and get along so well (possibly because I never said no). Other parents would ask me for tips on how to get their kids to “behave so well?!” There were even parents who wanted to give me money to treat you to a toy because you were the epitome of angelic existence.
My niece Lilly. Oh we’ve had some serious laughs!
3. I didn’t need coffee to keep up with you. I was a young, spry woman with boundless energy. I carried 3 of you at a time on my back and could still breath after walking several feet.
Me as a first time aunt at the tender age of 20
2. You never spit food at me. Thankfully, you always directed that toward your dad.
1. Any time you publicly drop an F-bomb it is automatically not my fault. It is totally feasible the kids parents said it first.
My nephew Ryan way too cool for me now.
Being a parent is dirty, messy hard work. It is a roller coaster ride with crazy twists and turns you can’t see. It’s more than just see you on the weekends and at birthday parties. It’s deeper. It’s sharing the best and the worst of myself. My lovely nieces and nephews only got the best of me. The cleaned up, well rested and patient part of me. My kids see the whole me. The un-showered, emotional chaotic mess of me. They see my passions and watch me live out my dreams. We are on this journey through life together. Every day.
I don’t love my nieces and nephews any more or any less than my own kids. They were my first kids who showed me how much fun life is. They were the ones that let me believe I could do this parenting thing. Some days I miss how easy it was to have someone else do the dirty work of parenting while I enjoy the best parts of childhood.
As much as I miss the ease of being an aunt, I still wouldn’t trade it for the difficult journey of parenthood. I had to share my nieces and nephews, my kids I can call my own.
So Halloween is over and it’s nearly Christmas already. Oh wait. Did we forget about that little holiday in the middle? The one where we are thankful for our families and friends before donning our sweatpants and stuffing our faces with cheesecake. Right, Thanksgiving!
Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays. I love all the colors, the food, the Macy’s Day Parade and the family stuff that goes with it. Growing up the folks at our table may have changed from year to year, and there was even a year we didn’t get to celebrate because we were all too sick; but I always had my brothers, my sister and my mom. It was a time of year when we really felt thankful. We had plenty of food (which didn’t happen for us every day), we didn’t argue (maybe one of the only two days a year we were angels), and we could just relax together. We never took a family vacation growing up so these holidays were our vacations and I think we somehow made the best of them. We watched a lot of movies, ate our favorite foods and shared a lot of laughs.
I grew up incredibly poor. My mom was a single mom to four of us and she worked three jobs. My parents divorced when I was five and we didn’t have much until I was old enough to go to work and help out with school shopping. Even though things were tight my mom always made sure we had enough at the holidays to make up for what we were lacking throughout the year. Sometimes it even meant we were one of the families waiting for a food box from the local church pantry. Growing up like that hurt. It was often hard on all of us. But I think out of everything, we learned to be grateful. At least I know I have.
Now I am a mom to two beautiful kids who had more in their first year of life than I did in my entire childhood. I don’t want them to go without, but I worry about how to teach them to be truly grateful and appreciate what they have. Most of all I worry about teaching them compassion. Before kids I was frequently volunteered at a soup kitchen or as a board member of a few organizations and raising funds for local families. I did a lot of hands-on walk events that included pitching tents, standing at tables and making a lot of phone calls to local businesses. Once my babies arrived I assumed I would just take them along with me and it would be business as usual. Easy peasy. Nope. No can do. (You’ve read my blog about my kids public tantrums right?).
Before kids I donated my marketing skills to different organizations.
So, I have learned how to give back in ways my kids can participate in often without having to leave home. I hope by sharing these things with my kids and explaining why we do these things will really help them understand the importance of helping; and ultimately instill compassion for their world.
1. Operation Christmas Cheer is the easiest holiday give back you can possibly spend time on. In less than one minute and for less than $1.00 you can send a Christmas card to a child with cancer/terminal illness to decorate their room with. This began as a simple request from a friend of mine to send one card to a few local kids going through chemotherapy. I sent them each one card. But, then I thought why not ask my friends and family to send some cards too. Suddenly, girl scout troops and entire classrooms were getting involved. Over 65 of my friends and family members enlisted the help of their friends and family to send out cards and gifts to children they have never met. And, just like that my small Facebook charity was born. You could easily make cards for a children’s hospital or even a nursing home near you. Go simple with a handful of cards, or call your friends and family to action and get dozens sent.
Kids of any age can make a card for children spending their holiday away from home.
2. Operation Christmas Child is a fun family project. Families fill a shoe box with gifts and supplies that are sent all around the world to children in impoverished countries. You can even track where your package lands. Little ones love to help select the toys and gifts that go inside each box.
3. Bonnie Boxes are similar in similar concept to the Operation Christmas Child shoe box program, but volunteers hand out shoe boxes full of gifts and activities to local cancer treatment centers. You can gather up a team to fill and wrap boxes to be delivered. You can create packages to go to adults or children. Perhaps you can open your home to organizing a packing event and the little ones can help!
4. Host a coat drive. Ask friends and neighbors for their gently used coats and winter wear. Your house can serve as a drop-off site until you are ready to deliver to a local agency, school nurses’ office or church. No big event to chair or to plan for. Families receiving a warm coat they thought they couldn’t afford is a huge help.
5. Collect supplies. Birthday parties are a great time to collect extra supplies for the food pantry, the local SPCA or a local family in need. People are already gathering in your home and there’s no shopping involved for you. At my girls’ second birthday we began requesting one canned good per family. My kids help me load the bag, take it to church and place in the collection box. Even if they don’t understand the full impact of giving canned goods, they understand their work is important.
6. Give of your time, talent or treasure. If you can’t write a check but still want to give back, donate a skill like crafting or painting. My mother used to take me with her to the hospital nursing home to paint ceramic pieces for the residents. Sometimes she would paint and I would wander the halls chatting with the elderly and help them play bingo. I learned the most about helping others from my time there. Perhaps you could donate crafts or decorations to a local nursing home or family shelter to help brighten the residents’ holiday.
Lending your talents free of charge makes a great gift to anyone!
7. Host a home party event and ask that a portion of the sales be donated to a charity of your choice. Ask friends in direct sales (think Tupperware, Mary Kay, Barefoot Books, etc.) to set up a table at your home. Invite all your friends and family. You get to do a little shopping surrounded by friends while your little ones get to play.
My friend and I joke about how we can’t wait for the day our kids are old enough to volunteer alongside us. I hope my kids get as much out of giving back as I do. With little ones who are still so reliant on a schedule/routine and sparse childcare, it can be a challenge to volunteer your time outside the home. With a little creativity you can still find a way to give back and impart some valuable lessons to your little ones. It is true that charity starts in the home.
As October begins to wind down with everyone’s focus on Halloween festivities, my mind drifts toward the child that won’t be celebrating with us this year. I miscarried our first child on October 27, 2007. Coincidentally October is also Infant Loss and Miscarriage Awareness Month. One in four women will miscarry a baby. It is often difficult to talk about or share our experiences, but I have found 3 brave friends willing to do that here in their own words.
I often wonder how my life might look today with a 7-year old and a set of 4-year-old twins. Would I be different? Would my family be different? After I returned home and to work I didn’t find it hard to share my story with friends and family right away. I think it was more uncomfortable for other people because they didn’t always know what to say. Sometimes words just don’t seem adequate enough to express how we feel for someone else’s loss. After a while I didn’t want to talk about it because I didn’t want others to think I was seeking sympathy. But, I would share if another mom shared with me. Although after 7 years the emotions surrounding my miscarriage are far lighter than when I first experienced the loss, there is still an emptiness in my family circle.
When sharing my story, other moms have expressed difficulty in opening up about their loss, or have felt the subject “taboo.” Some are afraid of being judged, or dismissed. I am grateful for the women sharing their stories today.
Erin’s Story In Her Own Words:
On November 29th 2013, at 14 weeks pregnant, I gave birth to a sleeping little boy named River Eleusis. I have learned so much about life, death, myself, and those around me because of this journey.
First, I learned that loss looks and feels different for everyone. And that’s ok. We are all different and we experience life differently. So of course we will experience hardship and loss differently. Some people cry for days, months, years. Some don’t cry at all. Some feel lost and confused. Some feel peace and comfort.
My journey through River’s birth was very different from what most people would expect for a mother who has just lost her child. I was filled with so much peace, comfort, and thankfulness for what I was given. There were moments in which I felt that I should be crying for days and days, because that’s what you’re supposed to do. But what I’ve learned is that I need to be true to what I am feeling and what I am experiencing. So if I was happy, I felt happy and completely embraced that emotion. If I was sad, I felt sad. If I was lost, I felt lost. I allowed each thought and emotion to run it’s course, in it’s own time. And I will continue to do so.
Second, loss is a process and journey. It has been almost a year since River was born and I think of him daily. There are days that he brings me so much joy. There are nights that he fills my dreams while I sleep. There are days that I miss him and just want to hold him one more time. As my journey continues, different emotions come up. I’ve shared with others before that I didn’t just lose River. I lost my pregnancy. I lost feeling him kick. I lost giving birth to him. I lost feeding him. I lost having three children. There have been many losses through this process,and they will continue. I have learned to take each one as it comes and to fully feel the emotions that come with it.
The last lesson I want to share with you is that community is so important. My family and I were surrounded by people who truly care for us. We had a couple weeks of dinners prepared for us. We had people who watched our older children so we could freely feel and think. We had tons of messages filled with love, support, and hope; and we had people who we could share River with openly. The hardship about having such an amazing community was that there were quite a few close friends and family members that also had to move through the grieving process of losing River. It was hard for me to see their hurt and pain, but I knew that they were on a journey just like mine. They too needed to embrace the feelings and thoughts that came. I have learned so much from the people in my life and I am forever thankful for them.
Kelly’s story In Her Own Words:
I was pregnant with identical twin girls called Mono Mono or MoMo for short. The odds were against us from the very beginning, but my girls defied the odds and we made it to the point of viability where medical intervention was possible. I spent a month in the hospital on rest and monitoring. Tragically despite our best efforts my girls passed away 2 days before their scheduled delivery. My rare story took on quite a following with friends and family and my community and I started a blog to keep everyone up to date. I continue it today to honor my girls and to share my healing process with others in the hopes it can help someone. We were lucky that our story was so captivating for people. We had a large community of people who followed our journey. I think since so many people knew all that we had been through made it easier for people to be there for us.
I also miscarried a child in the beginning of that same year at 11 weeks. It was harder to find support then. We had only announced the pregnancy a week or two before. I really had no idea a miscarriage was possible for someone who had a healthy normal pregnancy with no issues before. I felt foolish for announcing the pregnancy “too early.” I was devastated and felt foolish for being devastated about a baby I never felt kick. I felt like there was a much stronger sense of urgency to “move on” and “get over it.” I don’t feel like either of our losses were taboo to talk about but I do feel like talking about miscarriage is at the top of the list of things people just don’t want to hear about.
My best advice for those who want to help: don’t offer advice or cliches to help fix us. Saying things like, “everything happens for a reason,” “you can always try again,” and “thankfully it was early,” are more hurtful than helpful. Stick to things that you truly mean: “I’m sorry,” “I love you,” and “I am here for you to talk to, cry with, or whatever you need.” Offer specific ways to help. Generic offers like, “Can I do anything for you?” “Do you need anything?” can seem routine and not genuine. So be more specific, “I’d like to come by this week to check on you. Would you like me to bring you macaroni and cheese or that soup I made last time you came over?” “I’m running some errands tomorrow. Do you need anything from these stores I’m going to?” When I was grieving it was incredibly hard to think about the normal day-to-day tasks, let alone be able to express to my friends what I needed help with.
My best advice to those who are grieving: There is no end to grief. It is a continuous and lifelong process. There will forever be things that stir up emotions you thought you had long ago dealt with. You will forever be healing and growing on this journey. Don’t ever feel like there is this end platform you will stand on and say I’m 100% over it. I’m done. I’ve moved on. I’m fine now. Also, don’t feel guilty for having bad days. Bad days just mean you loved your baby and the life you had imagined for them. It is OK to miss your child and it is normal. Grieving is a journey and different for everyone. So be kind to yourself and know that grief is an act out of love.
Having been told that I would not conceive without medical intervention, I never expected to return to the United States after a whirlwind tour of Europe and find myself carrying a 10-week-old baby. I also never expected to be informed at the same time that I was in the process of miscarrying her twin.
I was under the care of a fertility team. I tracked my cycle with scientific precision. I bought and used pregnancy tests by the dozen. I had been bleeding and spotting for weeks, phenomena I attributed to high-altitude air travel and a hectic schedule. Scientifically, medically, and according to all other ‘ally’ words, this should not have happened to me. Yet it did. For the first time in my life, I was unsure of myself – uncertain as to how I should feel and act in this situation. On the one hand, I was going to be a mom and receive the most beautiful gift of my life. On the other hand, I was mourning a baby who would never know what life would be like.
Initially, all I felt was guilt and shame because I immediately thought that I could have and should have done something to protect both of my babies. The fact that I did not know I was pregnant did nothing to minimize the feeling of loss I experienced. Even though one of my babies never made it through pregnancy, he or she left a permanent mark on our family; his or her death was not the last word.
The next day, my husband and I went in for what would be the first of my weekly ultrasounds. I heard it before I saw my sweet little gummy bear up on the screen. A heartbeat! A strong, glorious, melodious heartbeat. And do you know what else? I saw life. Life is amazing, sad, and powerful all at the same time; it is a journey that sometimes ends far too soon, and in unpredictable and seemingly unfair ways. I have come to view my loss as something that is woven into the fabric of our family, as it has shaped how I engage the world.
I once shared my story with a “friend,” who responded with disbelief because I failed to tell her about the miscarriage sooner. After all, she suffered a loss, which was a seemingly positive home pregnancy test very early on that was not confirmed with further home or blood testing, and shared this with me as it was happening. This “sanctimommy” (read the blog – it’s hysterical) taught me a very valuable lesson, and one that I want to share with you. Your grieving process is yours and yours alone; only you can define whether sharing this aspect of your life helps you heal. If reaching out to others and speaking about your loss doesn’t provide you with what you might need to begin living again, there is no rule saying you have to talk about it with others. My husband and I are very comfortable in our decision to keep this information to ourselves. And do you know what? That’s ok.
Just remember that the day will come when you will all meet again for the first time.
Loss is such a personal journey, but not an experience you need to do alone. There is no formula to grieving. Whether you choose to share it with the world, or just your partner there is no right or wrong way to embark on that journey. With 1 in 4 women experiencing a loss, there are many of us who understand.
Have you survived the loss of a child or miscarriage? What was something that helped you in the healing process?
Welcome to Week 3 of the No Frills version of The Whatever Mom! Hope you are enjoying my personal insights into this parenting gig!
We had the luxury of going to dinner at two different restaurants this weekend. We are lucky if we eat as a family at a restaurant two times in the same year. This was pretty exciting for all of us. I am not ashamed of the dance of joy I did when my food arrived… food I didn’t have to plan for, shop for or cook! I was even more delighted that I didn’t have to wash the dishes after our meal either. And, this happened TWO DAYS IN A ROW!! If you’re a mom you know the joy of which I speak.
You may be shocked to learn that dining with little ones is not always a relaxing experience. I have to say I am pretty proud of the way my kids behaved and we didn’t even have to bribe them! We reviewed the rules with them before entering and again once we were seated. Hubby and I were so excited to be out among the living! (I even wore make up and left the frumpy pants at home! I was that excited!). My excitement, however, was dampened when we were seated near a woman who was clearly annoyed by my child’s enthusiasm for being out in a restaurant.
My girl wasn’t doing anything out of the ordinary for a 4-year old (I was actually feeling really grateful for that!). But, nonetheless this woman is shooting me looks and glaring at me as if to send the message “do something about your kid.” At first I felt like I needed to rush in and appease this woman’s expectations for my child to be seen and not heard. I felt like I needed to apologize for her discomfort sitting near a small child. Then I realized it isn’t fair to punish my child when she really wasn’t doing anything rude, or breaking any rules.
I shared last week my kids can have terrible tantrums in public, but they can also be really good in public! No, really! I felt like we were having a good night and my kids were being charming. So, why all the scrutiny from this onlooker? Is there truly NO place for parents to go without being watched and quietly critiqued? My emotions took several twists and turns as we ate our meal and I felt the burning gaze from this woman. Here are the cliff notes of my inner monologue:
I will not apologize for who my children are. Both of my girls are talkative little story tellers full of excitement and energy. I will not expect them to stop talking because it is bothering someone else to hear them. Although most mornings I’m wishing for a pause button on their conversations while I finish my coffee. Only because they wake up like this and its hard to fain interest so early in the day. I could have shushed my child for talking too much, but it wasn’t bothering anyone else except this one person. I was raised in an environment where children were to be seen and not heard. It didn’t stop me from talking. In fact, I think that’s why I talk to every single person I meet because I was rarely allowed to share my thoughts. (And now I have all of you!). I ran through the check list of things in my head: my girls wasn’t shrieking, jumping, yelling, kicking, running or throwing things. She was just being bubbly, chatty and a little wiggly (in all fairness so was I). That’s who she is as a person. I will not ask my daughter to squelch that so someone else can feel better for the 1 hour of their life they have to sit near her.
I will not feel guilty for having spirited children. It is amazing how other people’s glares or judging stares can make us immediately feel guilty. It can make us feel like we have already failed as a parent just walking in the door. I am not entirely sure where this pressure comes from, but I often find it stopping me in my tracks. I want my children to be perceived as the beautiful little people they are. Trust me, they are NOT without faults (hence the reason this blog is not titled, Damn Right My Twins Are Better Than Yours!). My children love to be fully engaged in what’s happening around them. They will soak in all the details and discuss them and ask a ton of questions about them. They notice details like the ceiling fans are not moving and want to know why. They’ll notice every last do not smoke sign, point them out and then count them. They notice there are two forks on the table and ask why and then rearrange them in an order they like best. It’s just who they are. Again, no one’s throwing knives or running across tables here. It can be completely exhausting to get through a meal with this intensive Q&A (I almost always finish my wine before my meal). But, my child wasn’t asking this person 1,000 questions. So what am I really feeling guilty about here?
I will not explain my children to other people so that they are more comfortable. During this trip we also met up with family. We had to skip out right after our meal to get on the road and make the 3 hour drive back home. Oh how I wish we could have stayed longer and really soaked up the extra time with everyone. But, I could see how hard my kids worked to get through the last 2 hours in a restaurant, after they worked hard to get through the 1.5 hours at church after not getting nearly enough sleep the night before. I knew in my mother’s heart I could not push them a minute longer let alone another 2 hours of socializing. I spoke with my husband who agreed we should take this opportunity to exit. Not everyone understood why we were leaving. I really wanted to explain that I was saving them (and myself) the torture of a one hour shrieking meltdown once my kids had reached their max. I wanted to explain how Sensory Processing Disorder works; how I am the expert in my kids and I know what’s best for them. I wanted to explain that the last two years of extreme meltdowns has taught me how to recognize when my kids are going to blow. I didn’t explain anything. They just observed my kids being awesome, why can’t we just leave it at that?
On this Whatever journey of mine, I am learning to let a lot go. That includes the pressure from strangers to guide my children in a way that makes THEM comfortable. I have to spend 24/7 with these little people. I also have to make sure they grow up to be productive members of society. I can’t cave under the pressure from outsiders and adjust my parenting style according to the standards of every stranger annoyed by my kids. I have bigger things to worry about in life; like making sure my kids aren’t throwing knives and jumping over tables.
I wanted to be angry and for a second that mama bear in me started to imagine ripping this woman’s face off. But, instead of getting angry (or removing body parts) I gave her a little tip of my glass and said, Whatever!
I am having bumper stickers of this one made.
Have you ever had a situation where you felt you wanted to defend your child to a stranger?
